WRITTEN BY PETER MOORE
Our associate, Pierre-le-fou has asked that we record for posterity his hunt for a dipstick. Dipstick you say, surely Plf is a Dipstick so why, oh, why would he want another?
We can go down either of at least two paths here, Mills & Boon style or the Truth. This is, I am afraid Myrtle not a bodice ripper nor something that would get your vital juices pumping unless Plf’s excitement in his search for a Dipstick, his eventual success and then his agonizing and fearful wait in these times of CV (or as the Don would put it, ”just a little flu”) for the little guy’s arrival was something that you could identify with and get very excited about. This might seem unseemly but I understand that although Plf has only been a relative newcomer to Darlo in his 35 years in town and has not yet qualified for full acceptance let alone citizenship, he does understand that other denizens of the valley appreciate excitement in the printed word. Eloise, stop that now or Plf will need to bring out the whip to ensure acceptance and submission.
So let’s get into the truth and avoid misunderstandings. Plf has a very old pile of parts that are somewhere stamped as made by Andre Citroen sometime back in the mid-1920s. These parts don’t make up a full automobile but might one day if Plf’s experiences with finding a dipstick can be repeated quite a few dozen times. In searching that wondrous environment we all know as The Net, he found a few bits, some new as in reproductions and others very originally nearly a century old and lo and behold the originals were sometimes cheaper than the repros.
Imagine his delight and great good fortune when he spied in March an original combination of a reniflard d’huile (aka bouchon de remplissage du carter moteur) and its associated and fitted oil gauge rod!! Plf had had some experience with la francais but his vocab ordinaire left him floundering in his various dictionaries for clarification. He stumbled on the verb renifler which suggest sniffing!? Ow could this be? Then he realised he had not pressed the translate button for that website. Glory be, all was revealed, and he had the Truth! Plf had a few motors for his chassis (stop that Mabel!) but none retained “the sniffer”. On these old side valve motors, the point at which oil is introduced to the motor is down near the crankcase and at this entry point what we all know as a breather cap is located. Through this cap an oil gauge rod is inserted and locked (Yea, a Dipstick).
Pierre had found an outstanding pair of matched items and at half of the price of repros. Plf asked no questions but took a deep breath and inserted his Euros through that slot that is labelled Pay Me Here. He stuffed it up once or twice and then found his mates at Paypal had all been there before him and had worked out a way to do this from one side of the World to the Other. Plf was so excited, he was effervescent (ah for Pete’s sake Eloise, that was not your trigger to do That!) He told his fellow Dipsticks in the valley not once, but many times and they quietly ignored him, just hoping he would go away and avoid embarrassing them in public. Yesterday, Pierre’s parcel arrived!!!! Six weeks of sitting waiting for a flight in the Netherlands and then two weeks waiting to be cleared by Customs at the airport in Kewdale.
It will be some long time before Plf’s 5CV maybe percolates under its own steam but the process of fumbling around on a keyboard and talking to people in Switzerland, Holland and France has Plf excited. They only know him by his real name and have yet to appreciate there may be a disturbed mind behind those enquiries but Plf reckons he is now just as disturbed as his fellow Dipsticks and probably a little more sane than others in the valley so Darlington is a great place to stay.
There is no end to this story, no great climax (Joyce, No!) just a wonderful saga that goes on and on and on. Plf will keep us informed of his quest, the hurdles he must vault and the challenges of the course. He will not joust with Jaguars, Rovers, Fiat 500s or bloody great Pontiacs but his afternoon in the sun will come.
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